Welcome to oblivion...

Welcome to oblivion...

Master Grr

[	website	\|	The Verge Youth	]
[	userinfo	\|	livejournal userinfo	]
[	archive	\|	journal archive	]

All in one...	[Jan. 30th, 2005\|02:13 am]
Nothing special happened today. Woke up around 7:30 this morning becuase i had to go to saturday school for attendance issues. I ended up not going. That's ironic or something, i'm sure. I'm just going to turn in medical notes. I went to sleep at around 3 am, so waking up four and half hours later and then driving to school to work for 3 hours straight didn't sound good. So I went back to sleep. Woke up around 2:30 in the sfternoon and watched movies, and talked to April, played some pool, and worked on the website. Uploaded over 100 pics to the gallery, made the theme better looking for the control panel to this blog, that kinda stuff. Tomorrow is going to be cold and icey, not looking forward to driving, or really doing anything, but whatever. Going to have lunch with my parents and April, and practice a human video we're doing for Fine Arts. "We" being April, Brooke, Sam, and I. Resurected Visions of Hope representing with a cartoon song. It'll be good fun. Like sleep. About the rest of my week, it's been a roller coaster ride of emotions. Wednesday was ok. Went to Aprils house, did stuff, said things, things happened, can't really remember right now. Too tired to remember. Went to service at church. The dudes preaching was boring as crap, but the prayer time was awesome, never been sent to my face so fast before, or wept so much. But i really feel that God has forgiven me, and that he's there beside me helping me through my tough times. I'll skip thursday and go to Friday, just becuase i can't remember what happened thursday. Oh yeah, yes i do. I continue to hold my "unreliable" title. Unreliable being the title. i was suppose to pick up April to go to the 2nd part of the Acquire the Fire conference with that dude from Fire Holland, Chris Evans, but I wasn't feeling good, and when i don't feel good, i stupidly forget very important things, and neglect to do equally important things. ?And since April has put up a no calling me unless it's a call-back law, she couldn't call to confirm that i was picking her up. so now, even more so, her dad thinks i'm unreliable. so i know i'm not in good with him in any way shape or form. which sucks, becuase i actually like him. he likes anime, he's an artist, which i respect with every fiber of my being. i wish i could draw a fraction of how good he could draw. plus he's a WWII buff, and so am i, mainly on the weaponry, a little on the campaigns and the troops. Friday, was there. Got out of school round 12, went to Aprils house. Practiced the skit, played some games. April was sick. REALLY sick. She started feeeling a little better come night time, and she feels even better today which i thank god for. We had a 2 hour talk at the end of the night, i really wish i could remember the details of it, becuase i really don't want to mis-quote it. i'll put it in later, when i can think clearer. today has been good. me and april have been happily talking and having a pretty good day. i know she's dissapointed that i didn't come over today, and so am i. i wanted to, but i feel like poo, less so now then i did then, medicine kicked in. and tomorrow is up there. the end.
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what time is it?

[Jan. 26th, 2005|12:57 am]

[	Current Mood	\|	depressed	]
[	Current Music	\|	Old Skool Demon Hunter	]

It's one in the morning, and what am i doing? typing. figured i'd clear somethings up, like any of you out there read this drivel, so it's no big deal to me what i say.

went to my girlfriends to pick her up, from square one, she just seemed like she didn't want to see me, or be with me, or anything. she was in the most lethargic mood, at least that's what she she's, not like i believe it. i know my baby, she's sweet, and hyper, and always cheerful for the most part. i love being around her, her personality is magnetic, and she is the most beautiful girl i'll ever date. not saying we havn't had our share of bumps in the road, which are more like 2 feet potholes, but we always come through with shining colors. so that's why i didn't believe her. she just wasn't acting like herself.

i stop off at movie scene to pick up an application, then we head off to bill's. so we get there, and the subject of food arises, i'm not hungry, a little thirsty, but everyone else is starving. april's still in her off-center mood, and she just wont tell me what happens. so we get to the store, i'm laying low, becuase like usual, my friend bill is paying for everything, which i'm hating with a passion. i hate not having money, i hate the fact that his girlfriend thinks she owns his money when all she does is mooch off him. it ain't her money. i doubt if she's ever worked a day in her pathetic life. i'm waiting and hoping they break up, she can really piss me off. and the bad outways the good.

so there's bill, paying for everything. i feel like **** becuase i can't pay for my girlfriends food, let alone my own. i have one ******* dollar in my account, i just got out of debt from 40. i have no job, but i have been looking for one, applied to or will apply within the next day or so to 4 places now. lowes, wal-mart, movie scene, and movie gallery. seems like none of them are hiring, and minimum wage ain't gonna cut it. i hate money right now. my baby's b-day is coming up in about 2 or so weeks, i have NO money, no nothing. i did just get an idea of what i can do, so i'll run with that. but regardless, v-day is coming up too, she has bought me so money things, and covered for me on so many others, and i hate myself for it. i don't want her to think i'm mooching off what little cash she has, and i'm almost certain she does. i know she's dissapointed in me. i can feel it anytime we talk about v-day, a movie we didn't see in theaters, going out to dinner or lunch, or her b-day, which original plans i ruined. she wanted to go to this nice snowey resort play. massanuttin or some spelling like that, but she called it off becuase i don't have the money. and she has no problems telling ppl that, so i feel more like ****, becuase i know some of her friends were lookin forward to it, and i ruined it. i do wish she'd be more descreet about that stuff, but it doesn't really matter. it was my fault, so it's not like she's lieing.

she wants to go out for dinner on valentines day with bill and his girlfriend, maybe her other friend brooke and whatever date she scrounges up. but it seems like she's already given up hope for that, so that's more negatives for me. i don't get 20 bucks until the 16th or 18th of next month. way after everything. so no, i wont be able to pay for that. what money i get is seperated like this:

lunch money - 15 dollars. 1-2 dollars for food, the rest gas. i eat one day out of the week.
allowance - 15 dollars. depends. usually more gas, or if i luck out, i can treat april to something small.

it's pathetic. but there are so many things preventing me from saving money. i don't spend it frivolessly, but crap happens that i end up spending it on. i don't remember the last time i got me something, that i wanted. flat out pathetic.

anyways, about the rest of my day. we went to foodlion for food, billy snuck out some food april put back becuase sam was being a bitch, which resulted in her getting absolutely nothing, which pissed me off to no end. she was saying how hungry she was, but becuase of sam, and me, she decided she didn't want anything. but billy got her that food, and he's a great friend for that. one of the best i've ever had. he covers for me so much, but i still feel like ****. so we head back to bills, she eats, starts crying in the chair for what she says is no reason, but now that i think about it, i'm almost certain it was over brooke. to clearify that for i'm sure no reason, there was a little stipulation of me and brooke, some stupid feelings i had for her, and now april thinks every single thing i do with her, is flirting. i can understand that. i really do, but come on, playing around in the snow, usually with sam too, or just joking around, or throwing snow, or whatever, does NOT mean i'm flirting. she tells me that i say i'm sorry for it, but that i never change it. it's hard to change something when i just do it naturally. basically, she wants me no where near her, talking to her, or playing around like friends do. i consider me and her friends. she's called me gay, i've called her a whore. friends. i do friendly acts. i do the same thing with bill, rarely sam, and april. she doesn't consider it flirting when i do it to sam or bill, thank god, but she does with brooke. i don't know what to do about it. i have no idea, she's a cool friend and i don't want to loose her as one, but the way it's going, t satisfy april, i'll just have to pretend she's not there. i care about april, but she has to get over here paranoia. i love her, and only here, i plan on marrying her, having kids, and umpteen-billion animals, she has to figure out that i love here, and that i stress over so many things related to her becuase i WANT to make her happy.

long story short, which i've ruined, cuz this is one long freakin' entry, is that i left becuase i was tired, april got upset with it, and she went into her depressed mode, thinking that i don't care about her, or that i was too tired to care, and all that other bs. so i've been in some sort of depressed/pissed/tired mode. i wish she knew how much i cared for her, instead of thinking i hate her, or that i hate being with her, or blah, or blah, or all that other untrue crap. whatever, sleep.

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one of those exam days

[Jan. 25th, 2005|03:26 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	awake	]
[	Current Music	\|	Extol - Undecieved	]

Had an exam today, make that two. English 12 dual and us gov't. fun stuff, aced both of them. tool me about an hour for the english, half an hour for the gov't, and they gave us 3 hours per class to do the exam. they didn't do the normal thing and make our exam week half days, nooo, 3 out of the four days are 3 hour periods, friday is the only half day, and then what should be a 4 day weekend cut to three becuase our superintendant is a fascist-nazi a-hole. we have 3 banked days, or should, becuase our christmas vacation was short. oh well, whatever. what my friend micheal said, it's half way over.

got a call from my girlfriend, April, she wanted to hang out tonight at our friend Bill's and chat. i was watching my FarScape DVD's, always callin at the most unoppurtune time, however she managed to call at 2:45 on the dot and expect me to be there when i usually get out of school AT 2:45, i'll never know. i need caller-id.

got a couple new anime dvd's from my friend today, Trevor, who owes me plenty. Ghost in the Shell 2 and Lady Death, both of which should be VERY good. but, i have no time to watch them now, so i'll assume they're good. whatever, i'm gone.

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